The Plan
by kerplank
Summary: Remus attempts to seduce Sirius. One Shot, Crack Fic. RemusxSirius. Prompt for holiday exchange.


**  
Written for: ****kasche****  
Rating: **PG**  
Prompt: **the two of them getting together, with Remus seducing Sirius **  
Summary: Remus is devious, with many plans. Sirius is a bit thick, but plays the perfect role for Remus. **

* * *

Remus had a plan. A wondrous plan. It was such an amazing, daring, plan, that he would never do it. This is what happened to many, many of his plans, and is what labeled him as the quiet one of the four Marauders. If only they knew of the plans he never shared. He could be quite devious, really. There was plans #1-24, all of which dealt with seducing Sirius through the use of sexual innuendos, or corny pick up lines, plans #25-73 (these were his favorite), where he was in his wolf form, and Sirius as Padfoot, and they had hot canine interactions. And last, but not least, were plans #74-92, which were made up of miscellaneous plans that came to Remus in the middle of class.

Now this particular plan (#92) involved marching up to Sirius, whipped cream, and a pie fight. First, Remus would do the marching part, in the middle of the Great Hall. Then, he would get out his handy dandy container of whipped cream, scream "PIE FIGHT!" to everyone, and wait until all of the houses do exactly this. And while they are all fighting amongst themselves, Remus would grab Sirius around the waist and fiercely kiss him.

Of course, Remus could not wait for the day when he could such a bold thing. What he did not know was that to be that bold, he just needed a few things. All he needed was a Wednesday, a full moon, and pie for dinner.

* * *

"SIRIUS BLACK!! You have detention tonight! Meet me before dinner!" Minerva was up to here with those boys, even if she loved them dearly. But she had had enough. Poor Snape, even if he did deserve it at times, had been molested past forgiveness by Potter and Black.

Today, Black had lit a time-delayed firecracker and had set it in Snape's desk, causing it to explode right when Snape was in an important step to transfiguring a male duck into a female chipmunk. This caused mischief and mayhem, just as he had hoped. And with this detention, he broke Prong's current record.

Score.

* * *

Much later, as he was in the process of cleaning McGonagall's classroom spotless as his detention, he smelled a whiff of something that smelled like pie. His ears seemed to perk up, a habit that he had picked up from Padfoot.

"Ooh… yummy goodness!" Sirius could be a bit of a dolt at times, and this would be one of them. Following the smell, his nose leading the way, he walked right into the opening door.

"Ouch!" He whined, giving the person who entered puppy eyes.

"Oh you silly boy, you know such eyes do not work on me!" Remus sniffed, valiantly doing his best not to show that affect his it did.

"But Remus! I am hungry. And I walked into the door, which is all of your fault, I must say."

"Well Sirius, if you hadn't blown up Snape's desk, you would not be in this situation."

"But Moony! Its all of his fault. He glared at you today, so what was I supposed to do?"

"Padfoot, my hero in shining armor. Next time, don't be so ridiculous. I can handle a small glare."

"Moony, this was a BIG glare."

And with that, Sirius gave another pout, and twisted around, his back to Remus. But then came that heavenly smell once more….

"Remus……… I smell something…"

Remus smirked. Mission One had been completed: get Sirius interested in the pie. Now, Mission Two: an ineffective pick up line.

"Do you know what today is?" Remus managed to bat his eyelashes in such away that Sirius would never notice. Or at least, that's what he thought. (Much later, Sirius would fess up to loving it).

"No……"

"Its Hump Day! And do you know what people do on Hump Day?"

"They hump?" Sirius was starting to get hot and bothered. Who knew Remus would be able to say such things!

"No. They wait for the rest of the week to pass. Don't you get it? Its Wednesday, the hump of the week?"

"Oooh…" Sirius muttered weekly, his heart all a flutter. He was trying his darned-nest to not get visibly bothered, but that wasn't going so well. He was blushing, and soon he would need to adjust his sweater. And he was beginning to sweat.

Remus surveyed his handiwork. Blushing, yep, check one. Twitchy, yep, check two. Alright, it was time for Mission Three. After which, it would be up to Sirius to follow him down to the Shrieking Shack.

"Sirius! Ask what time it is!" Rather befuddled, Sirius does, to which Remus answers.

"ITS PIE FIGHT TIME!" And WHAM went the pie from behind Remus's back (where he had hidden it the whole time) to fly straight into Sirius's chest.

Sirius looked down. And looked back up, and then back down, trying to figure out exactly what was going on. By the time he was able to figure it out, Remus was already coming closer.

And then, before Sirius could register it, Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius's waist, and pulled him, close for a fantabulous kiss. It was almost more than Sirius could bear. Remus pulled away all too soon, leaving Sirius with his lips still puckered, leaning forward slightly.

"See you later Padfoot!"

And off Moony ran, trying to get down to the shack before the moon came out.

Stunned, Sirius stood there, trying to process what had just happened. Before he could come to any conclusions, he was interrupted by Mrs. McGonagall who had come to inspect what all of the racket was about. She found a still Sirius, something she had rarely seen, with a pie pan seemingly stuck to his chest. As she just looked at him, the pan slowly slid off, leaving a trail of pie parts behind, and fell with a clang to the floor.

This shook her out of her reverie.

"Just what is going on here Mr. Black! I sho…" But before she could finish, Sirius gave himself a shake, and said to her, " Sorry, got to go!" and ran right out of the classroom. Clucking, she watchedhim leave. She could always give him another detention. Hmm, and that pie sure did smell delicious.

* * *

Meanwhile, our favorite werewolf was in the middle of painful process of transformation. He could not believe himself. He had almost completed a plan! Well, technically. All he needed to do now was wait for Padfoot to come, and then he could start Mission Four.

Resting on the floor for a second, he heard a noise, and he could not help but growl. Then he smelled the intruder and knew that it was all good. His wolf side fully accepted the plan, and was even looking forward to Mission Four. And it was about to commence.

Padfoot padded up the stairs of the shrieking shack where he knew that Moony preferred to change. And there he was, in all of his full, manly glory. Okay, well full, wolfy glory. (But still manly).

And then they both let their own canine instincts come over. Mission Four was accomplished. Remus knew that in the morning, Sirius would not get up and leave, but stay by his side forever. This is how 77 of Remus's 92 plans were finally fulfilled. The seduce-age of Sirius Black was complete.


End file.
